FALLING

Sometimes I feel like I’m doing well and sometimes I feel like I’m falling. My self-esteem is pretty low right now. I feel a bit trapped. I found another email from my husband to some random person saying he was single and they were beautiful and did they want to meet up for coffee. And another with someone who was trying to arrange to meet up with him after he told them I was boring and he was trapped. Well I’ve got news for you buddy this isn’t a one-sided coin. I’m so angry and hurt and betrayed. I’ve found emails 4 times over the past 5 years. So the ones I’ve found most likely are only the tip of the iceberg. If I was rich I would leave. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m supposed to have children with this guy. I feel so betrayed. I don’t know what to do.

PROGRESS

I asked my husband last night to cut me a bit of slack. He gets so mad at me so easily. I asked him to recognise the progress I’m making and just open up a bit so I have room to grow. And so he grows a little. He thanked me for the way I approached it, which I appreciated. This morning was great. Got up early and got things done. Got to work a bit early. Feels great. I feel relaxed and happy. What’s the lesson. Communicate maturely.

FORGIVENESS

Will my husband ever be able to find it in himself to forgive my Mum for the awful letter she wrote me about him. He says no and that he can’t have someone like that in his life. I am hoping beyond all hope that we find a way out of it because I want to keep our marriage and I can’t live without my family being welcome in my house. I do need to voice my concern to my Mum. But I need some kind of commitment from him that he is willing to move forward too. I need him to do it for me more than for himself. I have a feeling that approaching this after I do my childhood work will be better because I will be able to approach things with more maturity. And it says that coming to maturity will bring out more mature reactions from the person you’re with. I know you can’t change someone from the inside but I’m hoping a more mature relationship will come from this and make us both able to see things more clearly. Basically a more mature approach provokes a more mature response. I guess the lesson is everything in your own life is your own responsibility.

CHILDHOOD

My next step is identifying childhood hurts and how they play out in my life now. I can think of one already—Dad used to tease me until I cried and then offer me comfort. Give me a big cuddle and say sorry to make up for it. That has caused me to be overly sensitive to my husband teasing me. What I have to learn to determine is what is the real extent of the teasing from him. (It’s not often). Do his actions warrant my reaction? That’s one thing to start looking at.

Another general thing, which I have to unravel more is that I feel like no one’s looking after me. Like my needs aren’t being met. I need to unravel some specific situations where that feels like a big deal and work out if it’s an over reaction on my part or if I need to address a situation.

I do feel like I’m making progress. A great weight is lifted off me. I think it comes from facing myself. I think that’s part of accepting yourself.

CONFIDENCE + CAREER

I need to educate myself and practice my career skills more—I’m going to be able to lead when I am confident. Confidence will come when I feel as though I know what I’m doing. To get there I have to deepen my knowledge and gain experience to ingrain things so I can lead clients with confidence.

TICK

Learning in my chosen field is what makes me tick. I love to advance and progress and practice. I will spend more time learning and doing exercises to advance my skills. The last couple days I was home sick and was getting my own stuff done. I greatly prefer that. It is my mission to make having my own sustainably successful studio a reality. Everything I do must gear towards that.

TRUTH

I have to tell my Mum the impact of her actions on me and my marriage. I don’t know how to say it. I’m thinking of asking for her advice in how to fix it and hope that she wants to apologise? I feel like that’s what I need to do. It is so hard. I don’t know how and when. I have to say it in person or on the phone. I hate hard conversations.

APPRECIATION

I appreciate that I make my living doing something I love, in a relaxed and creative environment and that I get to wear what I want and listen to music while I work!

PROCRASTINATION

My procrastination comes from not being able to face things. The more I face, the less procrastination I have.

PLANS

I’m working at home today. It reminds me how much I love working for myself. I have good self-discipline and can sit down and work it out all day. I’m an introvert so I love to be by myself for long periods of time. I have a beautiful house to work in. I have wanted to work for myself for a long time and I feel that it will come as I go through this process. I will become more open and self assured and able to face things as they happen. Which all are necessary attributes for being able to be productive and run your own business. I have to find my niche, and learn more about business and process but I will learn that at the job I am working at now. Going through this process will let my energy flow which is also needed to successfully get things done. My next post is going to be about procrastination which takes into account some of the things I’ve written about here. I feel like I can see that I can really make it happen. The more progress I make internally the more progress I will be able to make externally. I feel awesome.